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The Book Of Evil Part Six
Written by MeH and Moonshine
Illustrated by Moonshine
Started on 28th November 2002
Written by various famous people. Re-written by MeH and Moonshine
In Australia, this page would be classed as green – MeH
In Spain, this page would be classed as ‘aahh! El pajo de verde! Aaarrrghh!’ – Moonshine
In Wales, this page would be classed as ‘that colour that looks like trees – MeH
Abe Lincoln once said: ‘The best thing about the future is that it is ruled by badgers’ – Moonshine
Muhammed Ali once said: ‘the man who has no imagination is a goldfish. A dead goldfish.’ - MeH
John Lennon once said: ‘Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making garlic coated peanuts out of parrot skulls.’ – Moonshine
Charlie Chaplin once said: ‘A day without psychic hamsters is a day wasted.’ – MeH
James Dean once said: ‘Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you are going to run a chicken farm.’ – Moonshine
Samuel Johnson once said: ‘A two-legged donkey is the first requisite for achieving great things.’ – MeH
Bill Cosby once said: ‘I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to ram sweetcorn up your nostrils.’ - Moonshine
Written by MeH on 5th December 2002
Once upon a time, a cup of sausages fell from the sky and landed on a hat that belonged to Yousuf. “What an ingenious idea!” exclaimed Yousuf, as he sneezed. Moonshine was thrown a window by the force of the blast. The incredible power of the sneeze opened up the space/time continuum. Moonshine tried to stay out of the continuum by holding onto the sausage hat, but his efforts were in vain. As Moonshine travelled through time, he saw a Vauxhall Astra, with Bruce Forsyth at the wheel, literally. As Bruce tap-danced his way through time, Moonshine left the continuum to find that he had travelled 20 billion years back in time, to when the Universe was forming. Suddenly, another space/time continuum appeared and an Astra drove towards a densely packed atom, which exploded to create another space/time continuum, which swallowed the first space/time continuum. The power of the Big Bang sent Moonshine through time again.
This time, Moonshine re-emerged just after the creation of the Earth, and the creation of the ingredients of the primordial soup. “Soup? With my teeth? Time for a Brucie bonus!” said the Vauxhall Astra, as it dived into the soup, causing the extinction of carrots. Suddenly, the soup overheated and began to evaporate, and Moonshine realised that he was inside a huge primordial microwave. Then, due to an attack by a primordial toaster, the microwave exploded, scattering the soup all over the primordial kitchen and opening yet another space/time continuum. Moonshine fell into the flow of time again, only to find himself standing next to a Dodo!
This could mean only one thing: Moonshine has travelled back in time, and has been slowly changing the course of time on his way back to the present. Or he could have discovered that the entire population of Argentina are actually Dodos in disguise. Moonshine killed the Dodo, therefore making the Dodo extinct and changing nothing in the present day. Apart from the fact that the Dodo that Moonshine just killed, would fly into space and stop a comet from hitting the Earth.
A Choco-Chocosaurus stole Moonshine’s sausage hat and wore it through the Ice Age, saving the innocent, carnivorous, bloodthirsty dinosaur from extinction. Suddenly, the voice of Yousuf echoed through the land.
“Yeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaap” said Yousuf from 500 million years in the future. Yousuf’s voice opened up a fourth space/time continuum, into which Moonshine fell. Again.
Written by MeH on 11th December 2002
“I think I’ll build … a kettle!” said the badger called Bob who was a builder and could build other builders called Bob, who built buildings. “But father, I wanted a horse for Christmas!” said Bobby the Baby Building Badger. “A horse … and a two month old badger? Nonsense! You must drink coffee, tea, and low-cost and low-quality orange juice!” shouted Bob the Building Badger at Bobby, who was his son, and was also a building badger, only smaller. “Oh Bob, let Bobby have a horse. Badgers don’t drink orange juice anyway. In my forest, oranges are illegal” cried Bobilda, the Bride to a Building Badger called Bob, as a Building Badger called Bob tied Bobilda, the Bride to a Building Badger called Bob, to a train track, to a train containing hundreds of Building Badgers, but not necessarily called Bob.
“Father, what if a train were to come and drive over mother? Surely she would feel great pain?” said Bobby as he was chained to a Ferris wheel, operated by a Ferris wheel operator, named Dave. “Bwahahahadger, my plan is working, I shall now wait for my newspaper to arrive, so that I can read about the deaths of two badgers, called Bobilda and Bobby, and wait for the Badger Island Police to arrive, so that I can show them my collection of Christmas cards!” laughed Bob the Building Badger as he watched Antiques Roadshow.
‘Me (not with a H
(=MeH))’
Written by M.Y on 10th
January 2003
Hello. My name is Yousuf Munshi, writing a book about Tony Blair and his publicly suspected affair (sexual possibly) with George Bush who is currently the President of the USA.
Due to the general boringness and uninterestingness of this story, it has been ……….
DISCONTINUED … ETH!!!
(And replaced by something equally boring)
‘MeH (Yes, with a
H (=MeH))’
Written by MeH on 13th
January 2003
Hello. My name isn’t MeH, writing a book about small wooden badgers called Phillip, who is the current King of Portugal, and his/her wife, Tony Blair.
Written by MeH on 16th
January 2003
One day, not today or tomorrow, El Pigeon Diablo flew to Africa, in search of his archenemy, Choco-Chocosaurus. El Pigeon Diablo’s father was killed by Choco-Chocosaurus, after Choco discovered Moonshine’s sausage hat. The death of El Pigeon Diablo’s father is what turned him from a calm, peace-loving, psychotic, evil pigeon that he used to be, and turned him into the sick-minded maniac pigeon that he is today. El Pigeon Diablo hadn’t been searching for long when he found Choco-Chocosaurus swinging from tree to tree in the middle of a tree-infested desert. “I shall have my revenge!” roared El Pigeon Diablo as he flew into the tree in an attempt to knock Choco to the ground. As El Pigeon Diablo shook the tree, pineapples and coconuts began to rain from the treetops. One of the pineapples hit El Pigeon Diablo on the head and he fell to the floor. As El Pigeon Diablo stood up, a transformation happened, and El Pigeon Diablo became … El Dancing Jamaican Pigeon Diablo!!!!
Written by MeH on 17th
January 2003
One day, Bing was making a cup of tea, using his new portable tea maker, when he heard a knock at his door. Bing opened the door to find … a tall painting of a tree! Bing burnt the painting with the portable tea maker to find … half an owl!! Bing gave money to the owl in exchange for information about the resurrection of Henry, only to find that one of the owl’s wings flew through the window, before Bing realised … Henry is alive!! … !
As soon as the portable tea maker heard the news (about the resurrection of Henry), it jumped out of Bing’s hands and exploded into the owl, causing several trees in Ireland to fall over, two German businessmen named Hans and Dave to trip up over an almost-dead camel made of ham, a few penguins to have a catastrophic boating accident, and a parrot, with a false identity in Portugal to escape the FBI, to fall off it’s perch.
Suddenly a Vauxhall Astra stopped outside Bing’s 229-floor mansion, and out stepped … an elderly serial killer named Alfred! Alfred immediately stabbed a passing milkman with his walking stick, before stealing his teeth. Then, a Vauxhall Astra landed on the Vauxhall Astra, and out stepped ... Henry!!! Henry ran towards Bing before hitting him with a brick made of rubber. Bing was sent flying backwards through his front door, allowing Henry to steal his tea.
Henry was almost inside his Vauxhall Astra when he
felt the hand of Alfred on his shoulder. Alfred ripped Henry’s shoulder from
him, causing Henry to drop the tea into a river, which had been conveniently
placed in the middle of a road by the local council. The tea spread through the
river, causing fish-like animals to lose sleep, and for shark-like animals to
have interesting discussions about the similarity between bus timetables and
the time it takes for a chimpanzee to give birth.
‘Choco-Choco’s
Story’
Written by MeH on the day
that Dave the Penguin was chased by Elvis
“Good Evening. I am Choco, the friendly Choco-Chocosaurus. I am 94% chocolate, and 5% dinosaur. The other 1% is due to my eyes being made of cheese, but that’s another story. I was born 150,000 years ago, but it only seems like a few minutes ago. I can still remember when that space/time continuum opened, a strange human named Moonshine fell out of the sky, and I found the sausage hat. And I can also remember when I lost my hat, trying to escape Elton John’s wig.
MeH originally created me to destroy Bing at the end of the first Book of Evil. However, over time, Bing persuaded me to join him in the quest for ‘The Ultimate Cupped Tea’” said Choco-Chocosaurus’ translator, as he talked on a Channel 5 talk show, on the subject of ‘My brother married my hamster, before having an affair with my late Great Granddad, after murdering half the population of Wales with an ancient Egyptian chainsaw while he bred sheep.’
Written by Moonshine on the day the Earth was re-populated by Yousuf Munshi clones (who were slightly evil)
One fine day in the middle of the night, there was a
cry heard all over the land. If you listened, you could hear the word ‘yeppp
…’. Even Goldilocks and Red Riding Hood could hear it in WeirdFairyTale Land.
This was Politics Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Yousuf Clones. Only one man
stood in their way. He was Honi-Woni Baloni. With him were Moonshine-Fett,
Bobsey-D2 and Sulphur-3PO. They began their quest by looking for the legendary
MeHda, the three-foot wise psychotic green midget.
They found him. “I am eating ham!” he explained.
“Eating ham I am!” he continued. Honi-Woni said, “I feel I must train under
you.” “Yeeesss” said MeHda. “I will train you.” “Train you I will!” he
continued. “Yeeesss” he said while floating over everyone’s heads. Upside down.
On the back of Inspector Morse. “First, I will show The Horse!” (Not meant to
infringe copyright laws by resembling the ‘force’ as they say). “Yeeesss. The
Horse is strong in you. Now, do as I do. Stick your middle finger up at your
opponent.” “This is The Horse. Yeeesss,” he exclaimed. “Use The Horse to push
your opponents.” “Yeeesss,” he said.
“Now you must build your Wooden Stick-Sabre. Yeeesss”
he continued. Honi-Woni got a branch from a nearby tree and fashioned it into a
scary looking wooden stick of death and destruction. “Now, hit this blungo
fruit!” cried MeHda. Honi-Woni hit it, but nothing happened. “You are now a qualified
Shmedi! Yeeesss!” MeHda said. “I feel I must now go and hunt down Darth
Chillihead, who I am sure is no direct relation of mine.” Said Honi-Woni. And
on that, the group set off to find Darth Chilli-Head and his evil empire of the
Spicy Side. “Yeeesss,” said MeHda to himself.
‘Bob the Building Badger
destroys his own house’
Written by MeH on paper made of recycled Bob Monkhouse biographies
“And now, I shall rebuild!”
shouted Bob at his foot. His foot responded by picking up part of the rubble
that used to be Bob’s house and kicking it at Bob. Bob immediately trapped his
foot in his broken door and chainsawed each of his toes off, in an effort to
save the world from the deadly combination of sheep and gingerbread men.
Suddenly, Bob Monkhouse and Bobsey broke the door down.
Bob V Bob V Bob … sey
(Bob the Building Badger is
disqualified, due to him being trapped in a door.) Bob hits Bobsey with a
sheep, before the sheep hit Bob with Bobsey, killing Bob.
Bobsey wins!
‘The Seventh Sense’
Written by MeH
Once, in a place less technologically advanced than
Wales (Yorkshire), in a time where horses still called each other by their
first names, there lived a boy. A boy who could see the spirits of dead pigs,
which had been killed/slaughtered/eaten by a farmer/butcher/baker/candlestick
maker/donkey breeder. One day, the ghost of a pig that the boy’s dad killed
last week visited the boy. “You killed me! And ate me!!” screamed Baconey
McHamsandwich at the boy. “No! I only ate your liver, kidneys and two of your
legs. Granddad ate the rest,” said the boy, who is called Derek. The pig
immediately ate Derek’s legs, before ripping out his liver and kidneys.
Derek’s Granddad fell down the stairs and stood up to
find his grandson covered in bacon-flavoured blood. Granddad took Derek’s eyes
and put them in his eye sockets, to see Baconey chewing his leg. Granddad
picked up a frying pan and a pack of six eggs and chased Baconey out of the
house. But Granddad knew that the Ghost of McHamsandwich would be back.
‘El
Dancing Jamaican Pigeon Diablo Introduces Reggae Music To Wales’
Written by MeH
In a time where a Welshman’s brains were the size of a
small turnip (any year in the last 4 millenniums), El Dancing Jamaican Pigeon
Diablo visited Wales in an attempt to add yet another country to the Jamaican
Empire. “But, we listen to country music” said a passing Welshman, who was
holding a squirrel to his ear. Suddenly, El Dancing Jamaican Pigeon Diablo
turned evil once again, and became El Pigeon Diablo, the King of the Evil
Animal Kingdom.
El Pigeon Diablo immediately destroyed every banjo in
a 12-mile radius, before laughing insanely at the corpses of his victims. Then,
a van pulled up outside El Pigeon Diablo’s Headquarters, and out danced Mr
Farout. Mr Farout used his onions and magic banjo to convince El Pigeon Diablo
to become the peace-loving Jamaican he once was. The corpse of Mr Farout’s
magic banjo was found one week later.
‘Politics
Wars Episode II: Attack of the Yousuf Clones continues …’
Written by Moonshine
After journeying for almost three and a half minutes
through deep space, Honi-Woni’s starship (carrying him, Moonshine-Fett,
Bobsey-D2 and Sulphur-3PO) was hit by a blast of cheese energy. They plummeted
onto the surface of Fatooine and landed on a man called Splaarhh the second.
“We must repair our ship,” said Moonshine-Fett. “Yeeesss” said MeHda. “WHERE
DID YOU COME FROM?” shouted Honi-Woni while sitting on Bobsey-D2. “I hid in the
starship fridge” MeHda exclaimed. “Yeeesss” he continued. “This is my pet
spog,” he said. “He’s called Spog,” he continued. “Yeeesss” he said.
Goldfish Hussein:
Goldfish With A Vengeance
Written by MeH
“Haha, I will take over the world,” said Goldfish
three seconds before saying “Haha, I will take over the Europe”, three seconds
before saying “Haha, I will take over Norway”, three seconds before swimming
into the side of the fishbowl. “Ow” said Goldfish Hussein, 3 seconds before he
said “Ow” and 6 seconds before saying “Ow”. Suddenly, three seconds later,
Michael Jackson ran to the fishbowl and screamed “Ow!” before stealing ever
child in South America and forcing them to ‘go on his roller coaster.’
‘The Cook Of Evil
Returns’
Written by MeH on the 25th of February 2003
“I can cook canned pizza,” shouted the Cook of Evil at
his brand new Japanese staff. “You dishonour me. I shall make a very disgusting
dish of your pet sheep. With sushi” said Sherenzuki Baconoto. 2 hours later,
the Restaurant of Evil received … a customer!!!
“Argh!” screamed the Cook of Evil. “Argh!” screamed
Sherenzuki. “Argh!” screamed a frying lobster. “R, the 18th letter
of the alphabet!!” screamed a passing lunatic primary school teacher.”
‘George Bush Goes To
School’
Written by MeH
“But mommy, I’m the president,” said George to his new
teacher, Mrs Hussein. “You will die!! Erm … I mean, I’m not your mother, she’s
dead. AND SO WILL YOU BE! HAHAHAHA … ahem. Now, sit down George,” said Mrs
Hussein. George doesn’t understand English yet, so he walks towards a door,
strangely covered in a blood-like liquid, and opens it to find … his old
teacher, Mr Blair covered in blood.
“Hello Mr Blair!” threatened George. Obviously, Mr
Blair doesn’t reply. “Say ‘Hello’, or I’ll declare war!” argued George. Mrs
Hussein, quickly realising George might realise something in a minute, picked
up Mr Blair’s corpse and began to use him like a puppet. “Hello Georgey! How’s
my favourite president doing?” asked Mrs Hussein as Mr Blair. “I’m great!”
replied George before closing the door. Suddenly, a giant Colinpowellosaurus
jumped through one of the windows before roaring “Mr President, that woman is
Saddam Hussein!” “Who?” asked George. “Mr President, we’ve been trying to kill
him for the last 15 years, surely you can remember your arch enemy, Saddam
Hussein?” said the Colinpowellosaurus, whilst emitting strange elephant-like
sounds.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not
even 15 years old, how am I supposed to remember all this?” said George, before
an angry, yet calm Hansblixasaurus flew in through the broken window. “Pay no
attention to that dinosaur! Mrs Hussein is an innocent primary school teacher,”
said the Hansblixasaurus to George. “No! Mrs Hussein is an evil dictator!”
shouted the Colinpowellosaurus to George, who is now more confused than the time
he saw a red apple AND a green apple next to each other.
Suddenly, Mrs Hussein shouted at the president and the
two political advising dinosaurs: “I AM AN INNOCENT DICTATOR! I mean: I AM AN
EVIL TEACHER! Err, I mean, …” before being interrupted by the sound of the
approaching monster that is … JOHNPRESCOTTSAURUS REX! Mrs Hussein immediately
pulled out his/her secret nuclear arsenal before launching it towards the giant
J-Rex. “Bloody hell, you call this a 12-course meal? This is hamster food to
me!” said the J-Rex, before eating the nuclear weapons and destroying
everything in a 5-mile radius.
‘Boy, of Town’
Written by Moonshine
In a time where men were men, and mars bars were 5p,
there lived a boy. He lived in a small town, called Town. His name was Boy. He
lived with his mother. She was called Mother. He lived in a small house on
Street Street. He was a fishermanboy. One day, the Church bell rang. A rather
wise old man, who everyone listened to, shouted “Aaarrrghh! Kill the
fishermanboy!” So everyone listened, and turned into the psycho-man’s evil
army.
“Ye shall not taketh me alive!” shouted Boy. “Where
were you last night between the hours of seven and nine?” asked Bill the
lawyer. “Use two eggs, not three! Only two for the perfect omelette!” shouted
an insignificant chef. While Boy was listening to these strange people, every
townsperson jumped him and kicked his head in.
George Bush Goes To
School: Part II
Written by MeH
“Saddam Hussein, you have 48 hours to get into your
secret underground nuclear missile base and destroy the world,” said George.
“Aha, but Mr Bush, I have no intention of running from you,” said Saddam from
his secret underground nuclear missile base. Then the door to the base opened
to reveal: Moonshine and Choco-Chocosaurus! “Colin, Colin, what’s that?”
shouted George at his ‘special needs’ assistant, Colin Powell. “That’s a
dinosaur, Mr President. They’re supposed to be extinct,” laughed Colin.
Suddenly, George ran into Moonshine’s space/time
continuum. “No, Mr President!” cried Colin before selling the White House to
Bill Gates and retiring. Moonshine ran back into the space/time continuum,
leaving Iraq to deal with the Choco-Chocosaurus. “Err … does it eat ham, or
does it eat itself?” asked Beefham Horssein to his Iraqi friends.
‘The Time Continuum:
1700 AD’
Written by MeH
“I propose that we, the American people, break away
from the British Empire and become … The United States of Luxembourg!” said
George Washington to a cherry tree. “I propose that you fuckin’ shut up,” said
the cherry tree. Suddenly, Moonshine and George Bush fall from the sky. “Uncle
Sam?” said George Washington to Moonshine. “… yes, I am, Sam I am!” said
Moonshine. “You’re not the president, I am,” cried Bush. “I’m sure that there’s
a way we can have two presidents. No need to declare war on each other,” said
Hans Blix, who has somehow managed to travel 303 years back in time.
“Please sir, get out of my House, which is White, or I
shall have to kill you,” said George Washington. “No, my White House” screamed
George Bush, holding onto a table lamp. Suddenly, Bruce Forsyth drove his
Vauxhall Astra in a Turkeys of War camp, causing the extinction of Turkeys, and
preventing the invention of ‘Thanksgiving.’ Suddenly, the lamp turned into a
space/time continuum and Moonshine and George Bush were taken in.
‘The Time Continuum:
2003 AD’
Written by MeH
“Choco, Choco” roared the Choco-Chocosaurus. “Ask the
president what it eats!” shouted an Iraqi rocket scientist. “It eats … oil!
Haha!” screamed an Iraqi budgie, ten minutes after Saddam had said, “Pizza, it
eats cheese, tomato and oil pizza,” said Saddam before setting fire to the
pizza in order to stop anyone firing missiles at it. Suddenly, American
soldiers broke the door down, before shouting “Uncle Moonshine has been here!
We are here to take Uncle Moonshine back to the House that is White to
celebrate the 303rd year since turkeys were wiped out by the ‘Brucie
in an Astra’ plague,” said George Florida to the Iraqis, who are now boarding a
plane to the 24th century, where donkeys place bets on motorised
pineapples who race around a Vauxhall Astra.
Suddenly, two space/time continuums appeared! Then,
Moonshine ran from the past, into the present, and then quickly fell into the
future, before Bush chased a wombat into the future. Then, the Iraqis hijacked
their own plane, before realising that they can’t actually fly the plane, and
landed on the space/time continuum, with the front going to the past and the
back going to the future.
‘The
Time Continuum: 2306 AD”
Written by MeH
“We shalteth taketh overeth. Youreth armyeth areth
noeth matcheth foreth oureth cows,” said Baconey McHamsandwich the 8th
to Hans Blix, who is now around 350 years old, on behalf of his army of the
farmyard rebellion. Suddenly, Moonshine, George Bush, and Georgey Junior the
Wombat appeared before Baconey. “Argh. Not wombat! Take it away!” ordered
Baconey, before six horses took the wombat into a room. 2 seconds later, bullet
shots were heard throughout the White Farmhouse. “Where’s Georgey Junior?”
asked George to Baconey.
“You! You killed me! And ate me!” screamed Baconey at
George Bush. “Me? Kill?? Eat???” asked George to a picture of Colin Powell
which was strangely hanging from the wall. Suddenly, the real head of Colin
Powell emerged from the picture and said “No, Mr President. You have never
killed anything, and you are on a diet of the brains of ex-American
presidents.” “See, I eat brains, not bacon,” laughed George at Baconey.
Suddenly, Yousuf sneezed twice simultaneously, causing 200,000 space/time
continuums to open at the same time, causing the disruption of the flow of
time, and the past, present and future to merge as one time zone!!!!?
‘The Time Continuum: El
Finale’
Written by MeH
“You killed me! And ate me!” screamed Baconey
McHamsandwich at a picture of three Irish farmers eating a pig-shaped octopus.
Suddenly, Baconey was confronted by Baconey from 10 seconds ago, who said, “You
killed me! And ate me!” Then, half a plane full of dinosaurs and half a plane full
of robots appeared before a Hansblixasaurus and Hans Blix fed Colin Powell to a
Colinpowellosaurus, before planting an apple tree in the brain (?) of the
Colinpowellosaurus, causing nothing to happen, apart from a turnip-growing
contest in Mexico to be won by George Bush, who entered his brain as his
turnip.
Suddenly, the sounds of footsteps were heard in the
White Farmhouse. Georgey the Wombat was back, with a vengeance and a corkscrew!
“You killed me! And ate ... ARGH!” screamed Baconey as he was chainsawed to
death by Georgey, wielding his corkscrew. Then, Moonshine stole his sausage hat
from Choco-Chocosaurus and the flow of time returned to normal, and Corn Flakes
were renamed Kellogg’s Corn/Hamster/Ostrich/Bacon Flakes. Coffee, yes.
‘A Title? Titles are bad
for your health’
Written by MeH
“No! Not my banjo?” replied the moose as an orange
parrot stole his grandmother, before driving a tractor into a windmill, powered
by hundreds and hundreds of cheese-powered Johnathan Ross look-alikes. “I’m actually
allergic to horses” said a rather ingenious camel, named Isopropyl Myristate.
Suddenly, Piano began to play the elton john before Cymbal smashed two colin
powells together.
Actually, none of that really happened, or did it? Is
there an 8-foot tall pensioner named Banjo the Grandma behind you? Or … is
there? “Is there?” said a passing Irish brain surgeon, named Herbert. “No, it’s
just a samurai penguin,” said Herbert to himself.
‘The
Adventures of Hussein and Laden’
Written by MeH on the 5th, yes the 5th, of May 2003
One day, in the post-apocalyptic desert world known to
the rest of us as ‘Wales’, bin Laden was having a picnic with his terrorist
friends: lin Baden, the purchaser of nuclear weapons, nil Naden, the biological
and genetic weapons farmer, and Dorothy, who brought the picnic. “Would you
pass the napkins, lin Baden?” asked bin Laden. “Certainly” replied lin Baden.
Then, Hussein (Saddam Hussein, for you with memory problems, or for you of
mental disability/Welsh) ran towards the three and a half terrorists with a jar
of peanut butter.
“Osama! I have an idea!” exclaimed Saddam. “A
reproducing sponge cake tree?!” asked Osama. “No, we pay a politician a lot of
money to tell everyone to have a picnic on the same day. Then, when they least
expect it, we raise the price of all picnic food by 200%, eventually leading to
an economical crisis!” read Saddam from the back of his hand. Suddenly, a
politician with a not on his back saying ‘Will tell everyone in Britain to have
a picnic on the same day for a lot of money’ walked by.
‘Saint Christopher, the
Patron Saint of Carjacking’
Written by MeH on ‘fifthmaytwothousandandthree’
“People! Stop and watch as I, Saint Christopher,
perform a miracle!” exclaimed Saint Christopher, before pulling out a crowbar
and smashing the windscreen of his own car, before stealing the door of the
glove compartment, and running head-first into a runaway ice cream van. Then, a
hundred and one ice creams jumped out of the van and crowded around the fallen
hero.
One of the ice creams phoned the police, so that he
and his one hundred brothers could be arrested. Suddenly, Saint Christopher
jumped into the ice cream van and drove it off a cliff, before using the stolen
glove compartment door as a parachute, to safely float into the house of David
Dickinson.
‘Hussein
and bin Laden: The Plot Becomes More Clever’
Written by MeH on the 11th of May 2003 – Year of the Cabbage
“What? 50p for a digestive? Horrendous!” said Bing
before running out of the shop in search of an extra 25p. “Nooo! My plan has
failed. We are all doomed to stay in medium-quality mansions!” cried Hussein,
who was watching the shop through a camera, hidden in a loaf of bread.
Suddenly, Bing ran into the shop and shouted “HERE! NOW GIVE ME MY DIGESTIVE!!”
“The plan is a success! Now for stage two!” said
Hussein to bin Laden and the other two and half terrorists. “You mean …?” asked
Dorothy. “Yes, Dorothy, we are to inject all the picnic food with the Saddam
virus! A virus which increases the growth speed of facial hair by 572%!!!”
replied Saddam. Suddenly, Bing grew a beard, before buying a
digestive-producing antelope. “Yes, the plan is going perfectly to the plan of
the original plan” laughed Dorothy, before stealing the tablecloth. “Yes, but
now, stage 2.1 can begin!” laughed Saddam and bin Laden insanely.
Comments,
in the Comments Page
Written by writers and readers of the Book of Evil
Moonshine – “It appears that I am involved in a story
this time. Jolly marvellous! I shall write a letter to the Queen immediately,
inviting her to bite a swan. Brilliant!!!”
MeH – “It appears that I am writing a story this time.
Fucking wicked! I shall write a ransom letter to Prince Harry immediately,
inviting him to chainsaw his own arm off.”
Terror – “The whole pigeon direction is genius, he
should kill off MeH to continue the excellent story. GLH 4eva, hardcore till we
die.”
Mr Munshi – “This is a piece of masterpiece.
Absolutely amazing, fabulous work. Outstanding stories. I recommend this book
to anyone who obliges entertainment. FANTASTIC!
Vishnu – “This is what enlightenment is all about!!!
Feel the reincarnation – as a badger!!! Hoshni!!!”
Chillihead – “Absolutely loved it!”
Bruce Forsyth – “Great book, but now it’s time for a
Brucie bonus!”
MeH – “The whole MeH direction is genius, he should
kill off Terror to continue the excellent story. M-e-H, MeH. Blah, blah, blah.”
Spirit of Terror – “Ha! Ha! Ha! I am back from the
dead, and I want pie, HairyLee probably has some, kids will do anything for
HairyLee! I’ll be back!”
King Elvis Da GR8 – “Bloody loved the fucking book. I
wish there was more kings like myself but oh well! Ha ha ha.”
Horse – “He he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he …
he, he, yeh!!!”
The Dead Crow – “Stone the crows! Stone the crows? No,
no, no, you don’t wanna do that! Read this book instead! Oh and Luke Himsworth
– the crows will have their revenge!”
Yoda – “Yeeesss! Good book, this is! Good is this
book! Hmmm. However the dark side I sense, sense the dark side, however I do!
Evil bastard, you are! Yeeessss!”
Trevor – “And now for tonight’s news: MeH makes weird
book! Yes, it’s true and so is the theory that I am actually from an advanced
species from the future, sent back in time to kill John Connor.”
Credit
for the Book Of Evil Part Six
Writers: MeH (about 80% of all stories), Moonshine (about 19% of all
stories), M.Y (about 1% of all stories)
Artists: Moonshine
Cover Design: MeH (Words), Moonshine (Picture of El Pigeon Diablo)
Dictionary: M.Y
Supplier of exercise book: Chillihead
Advertising: MeH (about 5%), Moonshine (about 15%), various nameless
people (about 80%)
Other, less important people: Tony Blair, Bill Gates, David
Copperfield, Neil Morrisey, Les Dennis, George Bush.
M.Y
Dictionary and Phrases
Written by M.Y
Cretin – a very stupid person.
Moron – a person classified as a moron.
Barbaric – somebody who behaves in an insane, cretinous and
blood-thirsty manner e.g: Craig K9
Yea – quotation commonly used by me. Mr Gillibrand originally founded
this.
Oki doke – Used by Miss Powell who lazily summarised okey dokey.
Speckled Fool – a fool who is speckled.
Waste of space of a human being – this defined as somebody who does not
act and behave in a civilised manner and somebody who is no use to somebody
else.
‘The back cover
comments'
“5/5”
“10/9”
“*****”
“From the makers of: The Book of Evil”
“Every single detail plays its part in getting you into the head of a
raccoon.”
“Hide the chainsaw!”
“If fish ruled the world, they’d put us in little tanks and watch us in
order to relax.”
“Full time chef required”
“What does it all mean?”
“Total running time: 213 minutes”
“Yorkshire Purchasing Organisation”
“Designed for Microsoft Windows 2000 Professional”
“Keep your country tidy. Please return this product if it fails to
satisfy. This does not affect your statutory rights.”
“www.thebookofevil.20m.com”
Please note that some of the stories may have changes made to them, this is due to MeH’s unreadable writing, Moonshine’s ant-like writing, and M.Y’s ability to string many words together, to make a inunderstandable sentence.
Also, some stories may have been left out, this is due to them not being the quality of the stories in this document.
Any attempt to steal stories will result in violence and men in cloaks with funny grey wigs.
MeH 2000–2003ã